8 miles and I feel like me again

Sunday Greg, Casey and I went to Sharon Woods to do 8 miles.  It seems that none of us have been training very well for the half in October. Thankfully, a group run was scheduled.

Sharon Woods is by no means a walk in the park when it comes to running terrain. It has quite a few hills, some short some medium-long, and some steeper than others. There is a 2.5 mile paved loop through the woods and around a pond. It is very lovely and mostly shaded.

I didn't think I would actually run with Casey and Greg. I had prepared myself for maybe going the opposite direction from them on the loop and seeing them a few times that way, giving myself something to look forward to. But they were nice and took it easy with me. :)  It was sooooooo great. We chatted – mostly them, I was too busy breathing ;) – and the first loop went by incredibly quickly. We stopped for water and then continued on for a second loop. I would lose Greg and Casey on the hills, but they'd wait for me at the top. It was getting harder for me, but I was happily trudging along, finally feeling like me again! I was running a hilly course the same pace I had been running 3 or 4 miles flat. While it was hard to breathe, I felt incredibly great. It was a running happiness I haven't felt in many many months. I never thought about how much I suck; I just felt like I was working towards something and I was doing well. After the second loop, we ventured off to a side-shoot out-and-back trail that had a huge hill. Then we did the loop one final time in the opposite direction until 8.01mi showed up on my GPS.

I am so incredibly happy and feel pretty motivated and like there is hope to feel like a runner again. I know it's up to me to get my ass out there, but running with people is so much more enjoyable. My pace was pushed, my legs didn't hurt (really didn't, it wasn't even that I was distracted) and I felt so good!!! I know I wouldn't have made it around that path by myself more than once before I got discouraged to tears the way things have been going.

I think everyone benefitted from the group run somehow. And we decided to do a half marathon that is 2 weeks later than the original one we planned. We'll all be happier with more time to train – it's not like we haven't all done a half. It's not just covering the distance, it's doing well with the goals, otherwise what's the point.

I know my pace is slow. I really hope I can continue to run with them for the next weekends. It was fantastic company. The pace and performance improvement really makes me happy :)  Hopefully my legs will shape up. Still a mystery yet to be solved, but I sure was glad they didn't hurt Sunday. I hadn't ran or done anything since Tuesday, and they hurt bad that day. Meh, we'll see. I said I was starting over and this is a super-duper start!!

Unsatisfied

Things I thought about on my run today...
- here comes the pain
- why on earth do my legs hurt soooo bad
- I can't wait to feel better
- will I ever feel better
- maybe I'm not getting enough oxygen
- maybe I wouldn't be so bothered by the pain if I was running with someone
- maybe it's my shoes
- maybe I should start over


And now for more rambling...I'm really just trying to solve this...

This has been the cycle: Most mornings I've been waking up with the plan/idea/desire to run. I wake up, limp through the house to let the dogs out and look at my clothes. My body hurts. I quickly lose motivation. I'm not tired, I just feel not awake. So then I say, nah, I'll just do it later, I'll pack my stuff and have a better time at lunch. So I pack my stuff and don't do it later. Work takes over, I don't feel like I should take a lunch, I don't feel like there is time because clients are emailing and demanding. Then it's the end of the day. Often my stomach hurts. I worry about jetting at 5. I'm usually tired and have not much motivation to run anymore.

On spinning days, the class begins at 9:30 on Tuesdays/ 9:15 on Thursdays. I have to arrive at 9 or 8:45 to get a bike. For a few times in the brightest mornings of summer, I went in to work first and then went spinning. It was perfect. Lately, I haven't been able to get up early enough to do that, so just leave for the gym from the house. I get to work around 10:45. It's great. The best thing I love about self employment: control of my time.

Ironically, all year I've been struggling with my schedule that I supposedly control. I don't know what to do except start over and try something else. I know I need a schedule for running. Running whenever I feel like it just doesn't work for me. The only thing I don't think I've tried is use my mornings to do whatever I need to, which I think spinning shows to be pretty successful. Maybe that's what I need and I'd be less stressed/unsatisfied.

In order to do that, I will need to shift work habits from having to get in to the office to get stuff done I said "screw it I'll do it in the morning" to the day before ........ to getting all my stuff done the day/night before so I can enjoy my morning stress-free with exercise and pancakes. OK, maybe not the pancakes. Sure that might not always happen. But I wonder if I've just been getting lazy on both ends of the day, thereby stressing myself out because I haven't been able to stick to anything and then feel so damn crummy about it.

I have no idea. I'm not sure if this will work, but I might as well try. I'm not getting anywhere with what I'm doing now.  Am I doing something else wrong? Any observations would be helpful. Running makes me happy, confident and I'm proud of myself. But lately, I've been so disappointed and unsatisfied, which hopefully is remedied by regaining some schedule control. I'll worry about fitting illustration in later. I don't have motivational issues with that and it doesn't prevent me from gaining weight. :P

Rough Week

Last week had some pretty rough spots. I became really frustrated with my schedule - work and running. I'm trying to make something of the drawing side of me. I'm disheartened at work. Running hasn't been going as well as I want it to. I couldn't do what I wanted to do. A lot of little things went wrong and I just lost my patience. I let it all pile on me and get me down, to a pretty unable to see straight anymore level.

After some helpful clarity, I know now it's just temporary. And most importantly, that all of these temporary "failures" don't change who I am. That was very meaningful, because I am usually thinking the exact opposite. Every time I have a bad run (and they've outnumbered the good lately) I am in disbelief that I ever ran an entire marathon. I feel like I don't have the ability anymore. When I don't get to draw (I haven't kept up with my workout drawings that I was doing so well at and feel are important exercises-no pun intended), I feel like I'm slipping away from being able to make something out of my illustrations. I feel like I am not going to get anywhere working so lazily. Work has just become work, and the thing that takes away from everything else I'd rather be doing. And so it goes, blah blah blah, whine whine. My parents' voices pop into my head: 'You're not trying hard enough, what more could you expect.'  If they read this, they would certainly say I'm being ridiculous and undermine the most important aspect of all of these things- they're things I love and feel passion for.

I really don't know. Maybe I am not trying hard enough. But I think the main thing that is hindering me is I'm not happy enough trying. My attitude has been in the shitter. I have been dwelling on how much isn't going right and worrying about what will happen because of that. It's probably as simple as that.

Tomorrow I'm going to try to run 8 miles. It's going to be iffy because of rain. I'm guessing it's not going to go well, but I'm going to try. And when I get so down about my running fitness and how I don't even know if I'm going to be able to run a half marathon in October, I guess I'm just going to remember it's what I want to do and the alternative - not running - is a way worse thought.

Today I bought a cheap, simple scanner for home. I haven't been able to cram in scanning & finishing my drawings in the mornings at work like I did for a while. If I have a scanner at home, then I can do everything at home and not stress about the time I'm taking away from work, and wondering if my biz partner is OK with it. I installed it and gave it a shot tonight, and it all works. So I'm really excited about that.

I finally figured out a way to have my own updatable website for my illustrations. Behance.net has an awesome portfolio site that you can link into a website builder. There are simple templates with crazy amounts of design, color, and style controls. It's near perfect. I kept paying for the stephaniesmithcreative domain and now have that pointed to the Behance site. So, soon, I should have my very own illustration portfolio online at my own web address. I am amazed at how it's all coming together. I want to keep up the momentum and see where it will lead. Illustration Friday is helping. And I think the new scanner will help make the workflow more doable.

I had the beginnings of an interesting conversation with the business partner last week that has left me feeling kind of uneasy. We aren't 100% aligned with where we see the business in 5 years. It was all very preliminary, but I am really worried about how my reasons and enjoyment for working independently might be threatened.

So... I have so much more to do this weekend. I have to do some work, run 8 miles, I'm going to see my grandma and parents, I need to read Anita's short story that she wants me to illustrate, I need to get to the paper store for D&J's wedding invites...  The bottom line is I want to do all of it because I enjoy all of it. I might have to cut some of it out, and I have to realize that is OK, and remember that it doesn't change me or what I'm about.  It is really hard for me to do. I feel like right now, I desperately need a voice telling me all my efforts are worth it and I'm not being silly.

Beginning of September

September started off as a scorcher, but soon cooled. Sunday I did a long run and was glad I waited rather than trying to do it while it was so hot.

Sun Sept 4:  Ran 7 miles...with...NO LEG PAIN!!!! :) :) :) At all! Other than that, the run was a horrible mental mess, but I can't be unhappy about not having the leg pain. That was a relief. Baby steps...

Mon Sept 5:  nothing... just nice relaxing time with friends...and a fantastic motorcycle ride on some great roads.

Tues Sept 6:  Double workout day---  1 hour spinning class in the morning and track in the evening. The spinning class was good. I paced myself well. It got rough toward the end. The music was all very clubby/dance and was pretty fun and energizing. At track, I ran a mile to warm up. Then I did the stairs 2 times. First set, I ran up taking about 15 seconds to do so. It was just a comfortable run. I walked back down the other side and repeated for all isles. After a little break, I decided to do them again, but faster...and with more breaks. I "sprinted" up the stairs taking about 9 - 10 seconds for each. Then I slowly walked down the stairs. By the end, when I was waiting to go up the last few isles, my legs were shaking! I think I might feel this one tomorrow.

Wed Sept 7:   Rest day.

Thurs Sept 8:  Unintentional rest day. I wanted to run after work. Everything piled on all day (the past two days actually) and I never got to what is due the next day until around 5. I still thought I'd take a break, go out for a lovely run, come back and do more work. I even got changed. I didn't want to do any more work. But I didn't know I'd be able to get it all done at 4 a.m. either. And I was upset that I wasn't going to really be able to get it done and do everything I wanted to. There weren't enough hours or motivation. This has been how things have been going with running, drawing, working lately. I don't know which should be a priority anymore or where my efforts should go. All I know is more often than not, none of the above are executed well, and I just end up very disappointed with everything. Tonight was a perfect example of it. Each has its own type of disappointment too. Maybe I should figure out which type I'm best at handling and take my losses there.  I'm still not done with my work, I didn't run, I couldn't get my submission for IF up, and I'm perplexed at how I keep managing to do this to myself.

Fri Sept 9:  Planned to run after work...left a little early. But I got my allergy shots and had another reaction. I'm sure I could have survived the run, but I didn't know if it might make things worse, so I played it safe.

Sat Sept 10:  Nothing.