Last Day

Today is C's last day at Fill Creative. I'm a little nervous about how awkward it might be. We have to sign stuff, then I have to give her a bunch of money, and then she needs to get all her stuff (and G's) out of the office. And then that's it I guess. She has already cleaned out her drawers and taken samples of things. Sigh. Whatever.

I am going to go get cupcakes at 11. A peace offering, I suppose.

I'm looking around the place and feel like I'm falling. I know this is, truly, very much for the best. I am happy, really, or know I will be. It is a conflicting feeling because I still feel awful, yet I know this is the best thing that could have happened. But, I also feel like I've failed.

Talking through it in my head, I know it's not my fault. I guess I just don't know how to accept other people's screwing things up very well, especially when it directly effects me. I do wish her happiness. I hope she gets her life back in order. She's so all over the place right now. She's become so selfish and dramatic. Again, reason that this is all good. I'm lucky to be getting free from this now before things really got bad. Again.

And so... I suppose there's no point in dwelling on it. Now it's marching forward. That is daunting. Back to the falling feeling, I don't know what to do. Go home and save money. Working at home drives me nuts after too long-can't be in the house all day all the time. Keep the studio work at home when I want. Get my schedule how I want and maybe work both places. Get a new studio. How am I going to combat my loneliness. Illustration and where does that fit in. It's like there are sentences of possibilities floating around me as I'm falling.

But, they are all possibilities, so really, how can I complain about possibilities?

(See, this is why I wrote here. I gotta talk this shit through.)

My main worry is that I just won't be good at anything I do and that my zealousness will dry up.

We'll see. I just have to keep making some money while I figure things out over the next year. I know I have it easy, comparatively speaking. I'm just having a hard time not feeling like a failure right now. I'll get over it.

moving right along...

I'm exhausted. Very very exhausted. I have a hard time thinking of things to say or be clear. But soon, things will get better.

Lawyer stuff has happened and we've agreed to terms. The business lawyer is writing that up and then it will be signed and then...at the end of this month...I'll be done with her!!

And then I have to figure out what's next.

I just got done chatting on fb with my friend Rina. She said how it's hard to be an adult. ;)  And how things come and go in our lives, and how it only seems like the relationships we made in school really truly last. I love my chats with Rina. I love that I have a person who I am somehow so connected to no matter how little we interact every day/week/month, who will be in my life forever, with surprisingly small effort. An amazing thing that I treasure.

Birthday time and running

Sunday we went up to my folks' for my dad's birthday. I think he had a good time. We went out to lunch and then just sat around and talked. It was stressful at times. Exhausting. But probably good overall.

I told them about C leaving. There was some initial "you should do this..." kind of stuff, but I think they soon realized I will be dealing everything with the lawyer and that is that. I tried to talk to mom later about ideas I had for going forward, but it didn't really go anywhere.

Since things were being shared, I considered telling her about the recent rheumatoid stuff. I began asking mom how she was doing and what kind of arthritis she had. I really did want to know, and especially wanted to know if she had any kind of rheumatoid stuff since that would be beneficial for me to know. I've known she has arthritis, but haven't known details. She said she has arthritis in her spine, hips, knees and hands. She made a comment, "so watch out you're next." I asked what specific kind. She said "osteoarthritis. Nothing like rheumatoid arthritis like Janice had...all crippled and contorted."  I had forgotten about our neighbor on Blank Road. Chuck and Janice lived next door. And, I never knew it at the time, but Janice had RA. She was very crippled and died early. So, after mom made that comment, indicating what her perspective and knowledge of RA is, I just couldn't mention anything else. I'll wait until I know more and can perhaps give it a better spin.

It sucks because I want to tell them and want them to know. I want support from them. But I don't want to drive mom into crazy worry mode. The fact is, I don't think she can handle it. And so, I guess I just leave it at that at least for now.

In happier news, I ran 4 miles today. I also did an ab workout afterwords. I'm going to try spinning on Thursday this week instead of Tuesday. Maybe there won't be fan drama.

Next Step

After a sleepless night, I suppose the next step is I need to stop worrying about if C will try to screw me and what kind of work I'll be left with.

I am leaning towards rebranding Fill Creative. Fill Creative: design + illustration

It's back to me. It's my company again. I can do what I want and do what I think is best. I can recreate it and really put me in it.

I'm trying to get excited about this prospect rather than feel like everything is so daunting.

I can do this, right?

More change

Well.......
C is leaving the company.

It's still sinking in. I'm sad. But I'm also glad.

More than anything, now I just don't know what the hell to do. I'm worried. I don't know what to do. I'm stressing about it.

I don't know what to do.

But I'll figure it out.

And, hopefully, this is just the beginning of something better.

Eat Real Food Advocate

Brain dump...

While working at a major flavor and fragrance corporation, my first job in my field after graduation, I learned way too much about our food industry and what is in the food at the grocery store. I quickly became what got coined as an ERFA (because of course everything must have a funky acronym to be remembered!)  That stands for Eat Real Food Advocate.

Here is the simple reasoning. We sold flavors. The more something needs flavored, the farther away it is from its original state, or anything resembling food in general, really. I began with Pop Tarts. It's flour. And flavor. Really, it's super processed stuff. When you think about it, and that's what I did, why on earth would you eat a bunch of flour for breakfast? Just because something is sold and is edible does not mean we should eat it.

I tried to get better about eating the right foods, staying to the outside of the grocery store. And some things were easy because I couldn't stomach the intense smells of the flavors that went into the food product or think about how not much of a food something was. But, convenience is...convenience.

Fast forward to now. The past few months have been shifting for me. It started with Thanksgiving.

I used to love to cook. Then I got jaded by the pace of my day, being tired, trying to fit it all in. I decided I hated the grocery store. I didn't want to cook. Why should I, after working all day and being tired?  But this year, things went a little differently, starting with some food poisoning.

I got food poisoning. As I wrote here, it was probablay...[hanging head in shame] Taco Bell. Then, two weeks later, Greg got food poisoning. Of course you can't really do much to control that. Except, it made me think about how we always always always eat out. Logically, we're increasing our risk a bit by the amount we eat out (assuming I always have safe food and cook things safely).

Another factor. Greg's cholesterol went from being really good to all of the sudden just into the high range. And mine... mine skyrocketed. Greg's mom was hospitalized for colitis. Not that a specific diet causes that, but ... I know how they eat and again the logic.

Ok, we all know that food isn't the only factor for cholesterol. But what if you can lower it by eating differently? I already exercise. Got that covered.

While planning my menu for Thanksgiving, I tried a couple of new things and stuck to the old things. I just got thinking about food, and nourishing people and how ... relaxing it all can be. It's simple. It can be anyway. And that goes right along with my ongoing quest to simplify my life....

So. Again, now. Possibly having Rheumatoid Arthritis, or at least a good chance I will in the future. Asthma. Allergies so bad I can't get shots anymore. I've read here and there how food and diet has helped some people with all of these things. I'm so very very skeptical.

But.

If I ate better, it doesn't matter if any of it would be helped or not. I'd at least be eating better and probably would feel better too.

So, I looked up "eat real food" on the interwebs and came across a tumblr that had cross-fit exercises and something called the paleo diet. Well, what do you know. My ERFA-ness has a name. And an industry, sadly. But, people who exercise and care about health first vs how they look are eating this way. It's something like deciding to be a vegetarian because you think it's healthier I guess.

So, ERFA that I am, it looks like I'm tending towards the paleo way of eating. That means lean meats, fish, veggies, fruits, nuts (but not peanuts), oils. No dairy, which seems weird. Not sure if I'll do that. The main focus is not processed food and tons of grains.

This just makes sense. I'm going to see what happens. Allergies, asthma, not sleeping well, cholesterol can all be measured. My RA flare ups are few and far between. We'll see what happens.

This morning I had eggs scrambled with some peppers and onions I had sauteed in oil.

I'm not going to be all crazy about it. But I really wonder if this is what my body needs. If nothing else, eating healthier should hold some kind of benefit for me. And really, it's something I've been toying with for years now. Let's see what happens.