Last Day

Today is C's last day at Fill Creative. I'm a little nervous about how awkward it might be. We have to sign stuff, then I have to give her a bunch of money, and then she needs to get all her stuff (and G's) out of the office. And then that's it I guess. She has already cleaned out her drawers and taken samples of things. Sigh. Whatever.

I am going to go get cupcakes at 11. A peace offering, I suppose.

I'm looking around the place and feel like I'm falling. I know this is, truly, very much for the best. I am happy, really, or know I will be. It is a conflicting feeling because I still feel awful, yet I know this is the best thing that could have happened. But, I also feel like I've failed.

Talking through it in my head, I know it's not my fault. I guess I just don't know how to accept other people's screwing things up very well, especially when it directly effects me. I do wish her happiness. I hope she gets her life back in order. She's so all over the place right now. She's become so selfish and dramatic. Again, reason that this is all good. I'm lucky to be getting free from this now before things really got bad. Again.

And so... I suppose there's no point in dwelling on it. Now it's marching forward. That is daunting. Back to the falling feeling, I don't know what to do. Go home and save money. Working at home drives me nuts after too long-can't be in the house all day all the time. Keep the studio work at home when I want. Get my schedule how I want and maybe work both places. Get a new studio. How am I going to combat my loneliness. Illustration and where does that fit in. It's like there are sentences of possibilities floating around me as I'm falling.

But, they are all possibilities, so really, how can I complain about possibilities?

(See, this is why I wrote here. I gotta talk this shit through.)

My main worry is that I just won't be good at anything I do and that my zealousness will dry up.

We'll see. I just have to keep making some money while I figure things out over the next year. I know I have it easy, comparatively speaking. I'm just having a hard time not feeling like a failure right now. I'll get over it.