Unsatisfied

Things I thought about on my run today...
- here comes the pain
- why on earth do my legs hurt soooo bad
- I can't wait to feel better
- will I ever feel better
- maybe I'm not getting enough oxygen
- maybe I wouldn't be so bothered by the pain if I was running with someone
- maybe it's my shoes
- maybe I should start over


And now for more rambling...I'm really just trying to solve this...

This has been the cycle: Most mornings I've been waking up with the plan/idea/desire to run. I wake up, limp through the house to let the dogs out and look at my clothes. My body hurts. I quickly lose motivation. I'm not tired, I just feel not awake. So then I say, nah, I'll just do it later, I'll pack my stuff and have a better time at lunch. So I pack my stuff and don't do it later. Work takes over, I don't feel like I should take a lunch, I don't feel like there is time because clients are emailing and demanding. Then it's the end of the day. Often my stomach hurts. I worry about jetting at 5. I'm usually tired and have not much motivation to run anymore.

On spinning days, the class begins at 9:30 on Tuesdays/ 9:15 on Thursdays. I have to arrive at 9 or 8:45 to get a bike. For a few times in the brightest mornings of summer, I went in to work first and then went spinning. It was perfect. Lately, I haven't been able to get up early enough to do that, so just leave for the gym from the house. I get to work around 10:45. It's great. The best thing I love about self employment: control of my time.

Ironically, all year I've been struggling with my schedule that I supposedly control. I don't know what to do except start over and try something else. I know I need a schedule for running. Running whenever I feel like it just doesn't work for me. The only thing I don't think I've tried is use my mornings to do whatever I need to, which I think spinning shows to be pretty successful. Maybe that's what I need and I'd be less stressed/unsatisfied.

In order to do that, I will need to shift work habits from having to get in to the office to get stuff done I said "screw it I'll do it in the morning" to the day before ........ to getting all my stuff done the day/night before so I can enjoy my morning stress-free with exercise and pancakes. OK, maybe not the pancakes. Sure that might not always happen. But I wonder if I've just been getting lazy on both ends of the day, thereby stressing myself out because I haven't been able to stick to anything and then feel so damn crummy about it.

I have no idea. I'm not sure if this will work, but I might as well try. I'm not getting anywhere with what I'm doing now.  Am I doing something else wrong? Any observations would be helpful. Running makes me happy, confident and I'm proud of myself. But lately, I've been so disappointed and unsatisfied, which hopefully is remedied by regaining some schedule control. I'll worry about fitting illustration in later. I don't have motivational issues with that and it doesn't prevent me from gaining weight. :P