Rough Week

Last week had some pretty rough spots. I became really frustrated with my schedule - work and running. I'm trying to make something of the drawing side of me. I'm disheartened at work. Running hasn't been going as well as I want it to. I couldn't do what I wanted to do. A lot of little things went wrong and I just lost my patience. I let it all pile on me and get me down, to a pretty unable to see straight anymore level.

After some helpful clarity, I know now it's just temporary. And most importantly, that all of these temporary "failures" don't change who I am. That was very meaningful, because I am usually thinking the exact opposite. Every time I have a bad run (and they've outnumbered the good lately) I am in disbelief that I ever ran an entire marathon. I feel like I don't have the ability anymore. When I don't get to draw (I haven't kept up with my workout drawings that I was doing so well at and feel are important exercises-no pun intended), I feel like I'm slipping away from being able to make something out of my illustrations. I feel like I am not going to get anywhere working so lazily. Work has just become work, and the thing that takes away from everything else I'd rather be doing. And so it goes, blah blah blah, whine whine. My parents' voices pop into my head: 'You're not trying hard enough, what more could you expect.'  If they read this, they would certainly say I'm being ridiculous and undermine the most important aspect of all of these things- they're things I love and feel passion for.

I really don't know. Maybe I am not trying hard enough. But I think the main thing that is hindering me is I'm not happy enough trying. My attitude has been in the shitter. I have been dwelling on how much isn't going right and worrying about what will happen because of that. It's probably as simple as that.

Tomorrow I'm going to try to run 8 miles. It's going to be iffy because of rain. I'm guessing it's not going to go well, but I'm going to try. And when I get so down about my running fitness and how I don't even know if I'm going to be able to run a half marathon in October, I guess I'm just going to remember it's what I want to do and the alternative - not running - is a way worse thought.

Today I bought a cheap, simple scanner for home. I haven't been able to cram in scanning & finishing my drawings in the mornings at work like I did for a while. If I have a scanner at home, then I can do everything at home and not stress about the time I'm taking away from work, and wondering if my biz partner is OK with it. I installed it and gave it a shot tonight, and it all works. So I'm really excited about that.

I finally figured out a way to have my own updatable website for my illustrations. Behance.net has an awesome portfolio site that you can link into a website builder. There are simple templates with crazy amounts of design, color, and style controls. It's near perfect. I kept paying for the stephaniesmithcreative domain and now have that pointed to the Behance site. So, soon, I should have my very own illustration portfolio online at my own web address. I am amazed at how it's all coming together. I want to keep up the momentum and see where it will lead. Illustration Friday is helping. And I think the new scanner will help make the workflow more doable.

I had the beginnings of an interesting conversation with the business partner last week that has left me feeling kind of uneasy. We aren't 100% aligned with where we see the business in 5 years. It was all very preliminary, but I am really worried about how my reasons and enjoyment for working independently might be threatened.

So... I have so much more to do this weekend. I have to do some work, run 8 miles, I'm going to see my grandma and parents, I need to read Anita's short story that she wants me to illustrate, I need to get to the paper store for D&J's wedding invites...  The bottom line is I want to do all of it because I enjoy all of it. I might have to cut some of it out, and I have to realize that is OK, and remember that it doesn't change me or what I'm about.  It is really hard for me to do. I feel like right now, I desperately need a voice telling me all my efforts are worth it and I'm not being silly.