Cycling Instructor Progress

Today's cycling class was dominated by sore calves and just wanting to blow the workout out of the water. I think I did a pretty good job at the working hard thing. And my calves still hurt...like, just to look at them.

Today Karen said she'd like me to come all week. And then I should also plan to teach the warmup (two songs) the following week.

GAAAAAAAAHH....

I tried to act cool when she said this. Oh, yes, right ok cool! Yep! Woohoo! Moving right along!

But in reality, the big ol' Dread set in. I started not hearing what she was saying, staring at her as she talked. Snap back into this, Steph! I forced myself to listen to her words, whatever she was saying... it was probably important! Crap! I kept telling myself that I am doing this. It's too late now, no backing out. I can face this. I can do this. I can. Listen. Think about why you want to....

And then I just completely made it leave my head. Nope. Just can't deal with it right now. I figure that news was the first bite, and now I needed to suck on it and make it able for me to swallow. I'll choose to swallow it a little later. I've already progressed to not get sick to my stomach when I think about the future of possibly being an instructor. Just going to the classes has helped. So .... nibble nibble...

Oh man.

But...I like to think about conquering this fear, this fear of...I don't even know what. Fear of being in front of people? Check. Fear of being judged? Check. Fear of screwing up and ruining someone's workout? Check. Fear of just doing it wrong. Fear of being rejected. A big check. A fear that appears to be getting worse with me, and which I blame on my lack of interaction with people as I sit at home alone with two dogs all day. I am so self-conscious about things (not even myself, necessarily, just things) that it makes me talk differently, even in front of my closest friends. It's weird. It's not like I give a fuck. But something is just coming unhinged within me. Fears I had in elementary school are coming back to haunt me. Perfection. Not being liked.

Perfection.

I need to work on this before it controls me more than it already is. It's part of the reason I decided I did want to pursue being a cycling instructor in the first place. Along with the desire to motivate people, try to provide an awesome experience with fitness for people, and maybe even have some new relationships that I make along the way, I want to prove fear will not hold me back from being awesome and doing awesome things.