Update

Wow, so it's been quite a while since I've updated. Work has been consuming. Training has been consuming. Honestly, I've been struggling with the work/no business partner/whatthehellamIdoing adjustments pretty hard recently, and exercising has been my happy place.

Last night I realized that my body is changing. Specifically I'm getting overall stronger and able to handle more. I keep pushing and it keeps responding positively. That is so amazing to me. I feel like I have a new relationship with my body. On the flip side of this, I feel like I'm a freak and have confusion as to how I should be feeling. Maybe I should be proud of myself? Maybe I should just be happy and not worry about anything? But the reality is, this just doesn't seem like something Steph does. This crap goes back to my mom f-ing up of my perception of things based on her inability to handle things. I wasn't allowed to do things because that's not what Steph does. I was different, though it was never clearly defined what made me different. It was as if I had some scary disease where if I fell down I'd bleed to death. It took me years to figure out it wasn't me, it was my mom. But that shit really sticks around. Hence my ponderings lately. What I'm doing now seems so dangerous, out of line, unnecessary, and just down right wrong on one side of my mind. Then the other says no, this is great! You're being healthy and strong and enjoying pushing yourself and everything from it has been positive. Most of all I'm ashamed I feel any of this. It's very embarrassing.

I want to tell everyone about what I'm doing. Not because I want to brag or make them feel bad about their couch potato lives, but because I want to feel like it's normal. It makes me happy and I feel like it's something happy to talk about. I want/need reassurance that what I'm doing... this crazy learning how to swim from YouTube videos, biking more than I've ever biked in my life, and getting to be a stronger runner...I want to feel like all of that is simply positive.

Instead, right now I feel like I'm a weird obsessed fitness person. I feel if I mention things to my friends, I sound like I'm bragging. Or, I'm just talking about something that simply isn't interesting. If I mention things to my parents, criticism begins: have you checked with your doctor, what about your asthma, you're not a swimmer why are you swimming - why don't you just stick to running... it goes on and on. Even though I know (think?) that these kind of comments aren't exactly right, I can't shake them. I need help shaking them. I need someone to immediately tell me "Steph, don't listen to that - those statements are unfounded."

I am doing this all for me, so me is the only thing I need to impress. I've thought recently I should just shut up about all of it. No one needs to be bothered by it. If they're curious, they'll ask. But for some reason I still want to share it really really bad. It's just such a huge part of my well-being right now and I guess I am proud of my accomplishments, so I suppose that's a normal thing to want to share?

I guess, in a nutshell, I'm just having a hard time believing in myself right now.