Rough

It's been a rough month for a whole bucket o' reasons. But, here I am, and I've been rebuilding a lot of stuff, one being my fitness.

I was sick mid-march. It was just a cold but wiped me out a little more physically than the average cold. But, I've had almost two weeks of 'getting back to it' now.

We have the Kinect Nike+ trainer for Xbox. What a mouthful. I'm still trying to come up with what to call it for myself. I keep saying Kinect trainer, because I'd rather associate it with that than Nike I suppose? The program is really quite amazing. After a fitness assessment and choosing what I'd like to focus on (weightloss, toning or cardio I think were the options), a plan is developed. You simply choose the days you want to work out, sign in and do them. You don't even have to do them on your scheduled days, you just can't do 2 workouts in one day.

So I've been doing that since March 9th. Here it is the end of March and I've done 5 workouts now. Again, the sickness was in the middle there. But even after 5 workouts, and some running sprinkled in there, I'm able to tell a difference. We did yoga after a way too long hiatus Tuesday night and low and behold I noticed core strength. During canoe and rolling down into shavasana, I actually was able to control myself. Woohoo! Something else I've noticed is just an overall feeling of being stronger. AND, I ran 5 miles at Sharon Woods last Saturday. Those are hilly miles. This after having run a whopping 4 times in the month prior. Well...I know I went pretty slowly, but I didn't struggle on any of the hills, which was pretty surprising to me. Maybe my legs are getting stronger.

Today I ran 3 miles and did a Kinect workout afterwords. Neither went well. I'm not sure what my deal is today, as I took yesterday off. Meh, happens. Just tired or something I guess.

So...maybe by May I'll be back to some decent shape. I am planning to run a 10K at the end of April. I am happy about the Kinect trainer. It's fun, even though I'm doing a handful of the same exercises I am usually sore afterwords, and it's convenient as hell.

Might spin tonight. I am not sure - that or arms. I'm just doing whatever I can do whenever I can.

Done Being Sick I Think...Moving On

I was doing ok in March, but as it typically goes when I 'start to get back into it' I got sick. Wiped out from acold and I gave in. I'm feeling a lot better today and think I'm at the level to suffer thru run tomorrow. It isn't going to be pretty I know. But all I care about is getting consistent again.

It will be about 30 (I hope) with some gusty wind and sunshine. Bring it!!

Last Day

Today is C's last day at Fill Creative. I'm a little nervous about how awkward it might be. We have to sign stuff, then I have to give her a bunch of money, and then she needs to get all her stuff (and G's) out of the office. And then that's it I guess. She has already cleaned out her drawers and taken samples of things. Sigh. Whatever.

I am going to go get cupcakes at 11. A peace offering, I suppose.

I'm looking around the place and feel like I'm falling. I know this is, truly, very much for the best. I am happy, really, or know I will be. It is a conflicting feeling because I still feel awful, yet I know this is the best thing that could have happened. But, I also feel like I've failed.

Talking through it in my head, I know it's not my fault. I guess I just don't know how to accept other people's screwing things up very well, especially when it directly effects me. I do wish her happiness. I hope she gets her life back in order. She's so all over the place right now. She's become so selfish and dramatic. Again, reason that this is all good. I'm lucky to be getting free from this now before things really got bad. Again.

And so... I suppose there's no point in dwelling on it. Now it's marching forward. That is daunting. Back to the falling feeling, I don't know what to do. Go home and save money. Working at home drives me nuts after too long-can't be in the house all day all the time. Keep the studio work at home when I want. Get my schedule how I want and maybe work both places. Get a new studio. How am I going to combat my loneliness. Illustration and where does that fit in. It's like there are sentences of possibilities floating around me as I'm falling.

But, they are all possibilities, so really, how can I complain about possibilities?

(See, this is why I wrote here. I gotta talk this shit through.)

My main worry is that I just won't be good at anything I do and that my zealousness will dry up.

We'll see. I just have to keep making some money while I figure things out over the next year. I know I have it easy, comparatively speaking. I'm just having a hard time not feeling like a failure right now. I'll get over it.

moving right along...

I'm exhausted. Very very exhausted. I have a hard time thinking of things to say or be clear. But soon, things will get better.

Lawyer stuff has happened and we've agreed to terms. The business lawyer is writing that up and then it will be signed and then...at the end of this month...I'll be done with her!!

And then I have to figure out what's next.

I just got done chatting on fb with my friend Rina. She said how it's hard to be an adult. ;)  And how things come and go in our lives, and how it only seems like the relationships we made in school really truly last. I love my chats with Rina. I love that I have a person who I am somehow so connected to no matter how little we interact every day/week/month, who will be in my life forever, with surprisingly small effort. An amazing thing that I treasure.

Birthday time and running

Sunday we went up to my folks' for my dad's birthday. I think he had a good time. We went out to lunch and then just sat around and talked. It was stressful at times. Exhausting. But probably good overall.

I told them about C leaving. There was some initial "you should do this..." kind of stuff, but I think they soon realized I will be dealing everything with the lawyer and that is that. I tried to talk to mom later about ideas I had for going forward, but it didn't really go anywhere.

Since things were being shared, I considered telling her about the recent rheumatoid stuff. I began asking mom how she was doing and what kind of arthritis she had. I really did want to know, and especially wanted to know if she had any kind of rheumatoid stuff since that would be beneficial for me to know. I've known she has arthritis, but haven't known details. She said she has arthritis in her spine, hips, knees and hands. She made a comment, "so watch out you're next." I asked what specific kind. She said "osteoarthritis. Nothing like rheumatoid arthritis like Janice had...all crippled and contorted."  I had forgotten about our neighbor on Blank Road. Chuck and Janice lived next door. And, I never knew it at the time, but Janice had RA. She was very crippled and died early. So, after mom made that comment, indicating what her perspective and knowledge of RA is, I just couldn't mention anything else. I'll wait until I know more and can perhaps give it a better spin.

It sucks because I want to tell them and want them to know. I want support from them. But I don't want to drive mom into crazy worry mode. The fact is, I don't think she can handle it. And so, I guess I just leave it at that at least for now.

In happier news, I ran 4 miles today. I also did an ab workout afterwords. I'm going to try spinning on Thursday this week instead of Tuesday. Maybe there won't be fan drama.

Next Step

After a sleepless night, I suppose the next step is I need to stop worrying about if C will try to screw me and what kind of work I'll be left with.

I am leaning towards rebranding Fill Creative. Fill Creative: design + illustration

It's back to me. It's my company again. I can do what I want and do what I think is best. I can recreate it and really put me in it.

I'm trying to get excited about this prospect rather than feel like everything is so daunting.

I can do this, right?

More change

Well.......
C is leaving the company.

It's still sinking in. I'm sad. But I'm also glad.

More than anything, now I just don't know what the hell to do. I'm worried. I don't know what to do. I'm stressing about it.

I don't know what to do.

But I'll figure it out.

And, hopefully, this is just the beginning of something better.