Not quite 8

Today's long run has left me feeling conflicted. There were ups and downs to it, or good and bad I guess. A big good is that it was really fun to run with Jenny! She is so pleasant and fun to talk with. We had some good laughs. I'm enjoying getting to know her.

The bad is I ended up falling apart and kinda quit at one point. Had to walk for quite a while. In hindsight, I think I started out too fast. Jenny's really fast, but was happy to go whatever pace I wanted too. However, I never settled in to my own pace and probably let her pull me along more than I should have. I forgot my watch, so I had no idea what my pace was. We chatted. It was constant talk, more getting to know you conversation and stories shared from both of us. Four miles went by pretty quickly, but I was done at 4. I felt bad, I was hot, and I knew I wouldn't be able to run that pace for 4 more miles. And here I was with this person I barely know, trying to hide it. I was trying so hard to act like it was all fine, while in reality, I was suffering. I didn't want to slow down. I wanted to hang with the pace. I wanted to feel good. But I felt awful. I wanted to suffer through by myself, but there was no way that was happening. I felt awful and exposed- and like she'd see I really wasn't a 'real' runner or something.

Even though I know I cause Casey to slow down when he doesn't need to, and our pace is quite easier for him than me, it is different somehow. I guess I feel more like we're in it together, that it's about getting through the tough spots if they arise, and finishing. He knows where I'm at, he's known my struggles, and I'm not at all embarrassed by it.  Plus he's said that he wouldn't be running much faster by himself. It has made me feel like our pace really is OK. I have been struggling towards the end, but I hope it gets better. Today with Jenny, I don't know what happened, but I felt like the fat kid who couldn't participate because I was too tired, exposed for all to see. It is hard to explain this without it sounding like I didn't enjoy running with Jenny, or that she was somehow being judgmental or projected herself in such a way that brought these feelings on. She absolutely did not, and was nothing but supportive. She has nothing to do with my feelings of inadequacy that busted to the surface today. I really really enjoyed her company, and she was fine with walking the long distance we walked, probably close to a mile :( Maybe it is that I felt like I needed to impress her, make her see that I am a real runner? But the more I think through it all, it's more that I was disappointed that I didn't feel like a real runner. I think the main thing is it was a revisit to the fact that I really can't hang with people, like when I was struggling so much running in the winter with Greg and Casey and my stupid asthma. What happens now- I hold TWO people back on these long runs? Can I expect that they'll stay with me being this slow?

I've been making great progress. But I can't run 8:00 or even 9:00 minute miles yet, and certainly not for 15 miles. Perhaps I really was going fast for those first 4 and that is what did me in. Maybe I would feel better about it if I knew I went 9:30 for 4 miles and then of course I would be tired and I should have paced myself better. I guess I don't know for sure since I didn't have my GPS.

So anyway... It was a very nice time with Jenny. But now I'm worried about what 15 miles will expose of my running abilities next weekend. I went from feeling so great about my progress to realizing that I'm still not "one of them". I suppose I shouldn't focus on it. In reality there isn't much more I can do...I really feel I am doing better with the training/consistency/weightloss front. And honestly, this crappy feelings kind of motivates me to want to train harder so I can finally feel like a real runner, run with anyone and feel cool and good and fit.